I decided it's time to start blogging again. I've dealt with and sorted through a lot of emotions this past week and I'm really proud of that, for awhile I've been reserved about sharing myself, sometimes as artists we feel we are always on display... BUT THIS, this is something I felt ready to share, so here goes.
I've been doing a ton of reflection, with the intention of changing some pieces of me that I didn't like or that did not serve me. It's cool because I feel different, but rooted in the same person that I've always been. My mind has been transformed and in doing so I've become more of who I was before I took on the opinions of others. I realized, way too late in life, that I valued other's perceptions of me more than I valued my perceptions of self. Which led me to be easily manipulated, taken advantage of, and broken down time and time again to please the people around me and make them comfortable.
I realized recently that no matter what I did, someone was going to be uncomfortable, that I was not at fault, and that most people are acutally uncomfortable with themselves.
As relationships shifted, mainly because of my understandings of them, I realized that the people I was taking advice from were mostly looking out for themselves. Naturally, people make suggestions about what would be comfortable for them, imposing their biases into my walk to be more like them. Despite how many times they said they had my best interests at heart.
So, I looked back at all the major drama in my life, only to find that the same few people were at the center of those moments. The persuasion of my bad decisions; my trust in terrible and often selfish advice.
How was I so oblivious to these cycles and patterns? Mostly because I accepted false promises of growth, meanwhile ignoring all of the signs and characteristics that showed me that change had not yet happened... Or at least nothing drastic enough to make significant changes.
But this post isn't about other people... It's not meant to blame or point fingers at anyone but myself, so after some inward reflection, I got to this question, "what is it about me that attracts this energy of manipulation into my life?"
HARD TO ADMIT, but eventually I realized that other people's drama was entertaining to me... I enjoyed hearing about all of the fuck shit that people were going through and sometimes laughed at the dumb decisions they made after we got through talking. I found it interesting to be in the midst of such extensive drama because it reminded me how blissful my life was going...
So that piece of me most definitely invited drama into my own life... I was willing to freely be a by-stander, thinking that I was protected from that bullshit leaking in, but once it started to overflow into my relationships, I knew something needed to change. I became clear that I was feeding a demon that was plotting on me the entire time. But that's what demons do.
At the core of it all, I realized I really didn't know myself... So of course, I would be surrounded by women who didn't know themselves either. After all, I am a reflection of the company I keep.
And while I thought I knew myself, I would find times where someone would challenge my perspective of self and my whole world would be shattered, everything would come crumbling down. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, my perspective, my opinion, so instead I digested everyone else's as truth.
How does anyone know me better than me... The answer is they don't. I just didn't know myself enough to know that the ground that I stood on was already solid.
So naturally I kept a bunch of dramatic actresses in my circle ultimately making it difficult for me to truly tap into myself and be connected with my purpose.
I see more clearly now. And I'm working on myself.
The other day, I caught myself entertaining someone else's drama, so I stopped myself. I also stood my ground in a conversation where someone told me how I should feel... Sorry, but you ain't bout to tell me how I should feel.
I am currently learning how to work on myself without being ashamed of my shortcomings and I'm actively trying to be better acquainted with myself, one day at a time.
For me that mostly means trusting my intuition which in conjunction with life means knowing that I talk to God enough, I sit still enough, I meditate enough, I work on clearing mental blocks enough to know that I am in tune with The Creator, Mother Earth, and all of the Spirit Guides and Ancestors that were assigned to protect me. Trusting myself means knowing without doubt that I DO THE WORK to be whole, to be clear, to be fair and just and to always move with love.